150 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by phoebe140
Summary: Mr Weasley did I just hear that you are taking a very inappropriate date to the ball' asked a stony-faced McGonagall, coming up behind them. 'Yes professor, I'm taking you.' Includes high amounts of crack and slash.
1. 1 to 10, Marijuana and Steve Irwin

**Hello! Welcome to my new story. Please read this before you start as you may not understand some of the timings or character parts.**

**Each rule doesn't always feature the same characters, some are about The Marauders (James, Sirius, Remus & Peter), some about Gred and Forge (Sorry, Fred & George!), some about Ginny, others about the trio (Harry, Ron & Hermione), and finally some about **_**their **_**children. Others may feature too, but it depends who it suits.**

**This should be fun so I hope you enjoy it!**

**P.S: Do not read if you haven't read Deathly Hallows, it contains lots of spoilers, like the one below this.**

**Disclaimer: If I really owned Harry Potter, Remus Lupin would definitely not be dead, because Voldemort wouldn't exist. End of story. (Not literally!)**

**Grab some chocolate and enjoy!**

* * *

_1. __I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees"._

Cedric Diggory sat watching the two redheads at the Gryffindor table. He was sure they were plotting something, and sure enough, they soon rose from the table. But to Cedric's surprise, they headed towards him.

'I didn't make them wear the badges!' he said quickly. He was of course, talking about the 'Support Cedric Diggory' badges, which all of Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin were now wearing.

'Oh it's not about that.' said Fred, with his hand behind his back.

'No, this is a more _important _matter.' agreed George. He took his hand from behind his back and brought out the weapon of all weapons, it was-

'A spoon?' Cedric asked. 'Why have you got a spoon?'

They gave no answer, but immediately started prodding Cedric with the objects.

'Hey! Guys! Stop it!'

They immediately stopped, Cedric was shocked that they had actually obeyed an order.

'Why are you covered it bees?' asked Fred calmly.

'I…what?'

'I said; why are you covered in bees?'

'I'm not, this is my uniform.'

'Oh…oops…'

* * *

_2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class_

Ginny was bored. She was nearly always bored. But Care of Magical Creatures was especially boring today, because Hagrid was away. Professor Grubby-Plank was taking the class, and she was giving them a long lecture about kneazles. Ginny thought of something she had watched on a muggle television with Hermione, and grinned mischievously.

'G'day mate!'

'Who was that?' asked Grubby-Plank, scanning the crowd.

'It was Steve Irwin professor.' said Ginny, trying to keep a straight face.

'There is no 'Steve Irwin' in this class Miss Weasley, whatever are you talking about?'

* * *

_3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology"._

'What is that Mr Weasley?' Professor Sprout asked Ron.

'It's marijuana Professor. I grew it for extra credit.'

All the muggle-borns were laughing at him, but Ron didn't know why.

'What's so funny?'

'Erm…' said Hermione, 'How can I put this…'

* * *

_4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge._

'How about walking the wooden pl-'

'Heard that one.' Replied an annoyed looking Oliver Wood.

'Well…what about the one about getting wooden?' asked Fred Weasley.

'That too.'

'This is a bloody hard challenge!'

* * *

_5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate._

'What the hell?' Ron asked Hermione, who seemed to be in a jovial mood today.

'Just put these in Filch's office okay? Exactly where he can see them.'

'Right…who's Doug Hen-'

'Just do it!'

'Okay, okay…'

Ron walked off down the corridor, ten minutes later he returned.

'Did you do it?'

'Yes…'

Another ten minutes later there was an angry screech from Filch's office.

'How does EVERYONE know I'm a squib?!'

* * *

_6. I will not go to class skyclad_

'Erm…Fred?'

'Yes Ron.'

'Why aren't you wearing anything?'

'I'm going to potions skyclad.'

'Erm…right, good luck with that one then.'

The most surprising thing was, Snape didn't even flinch.

* * *

_7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball._

'Who are you taking George?'

'The giant squid.'

'How are you planning on getting it _into the hall_?' asked Ginny.

'Oh…I didn't really think of that one you see…'

'Mr Weasley did I just hear that you are taking a very inappropriate date to the ball?' asked a stony-faced McGonagall, coming up behind them.

'Yes professor, I'm taking you.'

* * *

_8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore"._

'Ow! This bloody hurts!'

'Yeah but it'll look good!' replied George to his twin, who had nicked Umbridge's quill and was currently writing what he had told him too. Lines were engraving themselves in Fred's hand.

'What are you two doing?' asked Hermione, coming over and getting her books out.

'Writing.'

'That's a likely story.' she snorted. 'What does it say?'

'I told you I was hardcore.'

* * *

_9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful"._

'I'm going for a shower.' Said Ron, rising from his chair in front of the fire.

'Ooh! Ron, are you sure you really want to?' asked Harry.

'Erm…yes?'

Harry snorted as Fred took Ron's vacated seat.

'What's Ron doing?'

'Giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful.'

Twenty minutes later, a screaming Ron ran into the common room.

'There is a reason she's called _Moaning _Myrtle you know.' said George mildly.

* * *

_10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not._

'Hello!' said Hermione brightly to the young first year, who was attempting a spell with his wand.

'You'll never do it when it's that dirty, give it here, I'll polish it.'

Harry, Ron, Fred, George and Ginny stepped out from behind the door.

'Why is it everything you say sounds really dirty Hermione?' asked George.

The look of horror on the little boy's face as the realization dawned. The others cracked up laughing.

'What?' asked Hermione, 'I was only helping him polish his w-'

The rest of her words were unheard, as the laughing became louder.

She had only just realized what she had just said.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed it! 11-20 out soon, just after I've done my music practice….growl….**

**Toodles!**

**Phoebe E. Lupin**

**XX**


	2. 11 to 20, Kenny and Bookends

**Disclaimer: ****I wish I had thought of Harry Potter, but my mind is obviously not that brilliant.**

* * *

_11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm._

Professor Binns was droning. Again. Ron was bored. Again. Hermione was trying to be interested. But failed. Harry watched Draco sleeping across the aisle, and grinned a wicked grin. He took out some ink, and began to draw.

Half an hour later, when the class had finished, Draco was awoken by Crabbe. Draco gaped at his arm.

'Yes! The Dark Lord has chosen me! I am the new chosen one!'

Ron was doubled up with laughter.

'What's wrong with you, Weasley?' he smirked, 'At least I'm special, unlike you. Your best friends with a special one though, I'm surprised you haven't joined the dark side for some glory!'

Ron glared, but Harry stepped in.

'Yeah Malfoy, I am special! I have amazing art skills.'

'What?'

'Art, Malfoy. You know, the dark mark I drew on your arm?'

Malfoy went white.

'Oh bugger.'

* * *

_12. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers._

'Mr Black! What on earth do you think you're doing?!' asked a rather harassed looking professor McGonagall.

Sirius was practicing hitting the Bludgers for Quidditch. But they weren't exactly proper Bludgers.

'Are they…?'

'House-elves? Yep! But this one's only Kreacher, so it doesn't really matter, does it?'_  
_And thus, Sirius Black got a detention.

* * *

_13. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept._

'Bets, bets! Place your bets here!'

'What will happen to Umbridge then?'

'What do you think Fred?' George turned to his twin. They were both standing on the house table, with boxes of money and paper inside.

'I think she'll realize that she is actually a toad, and then remember she doesn't like half-breeds, so she'll kill herself.'

'What a clever idea! Anyone agree?'

Everyone started shouting suggestions out really loud.

'How about trampled by a hippogriff?'

'I think she'll drown.'

'Yeah! The giant squid will get her!'

'No no no! I think she'll be trampled by centaurs.' shouted Harry loudly.

At the end of the year, Professor Trelawney asked to see Harry in her room.

'Dear, do you think you possess any hidden seer qualities?'

* * *

_14. I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant._

Ron Weasley hated potions. It was a known fact around the school. But today he felt mischievous; he wanted to do something hilarious.

'Professor?' he asked Snape, who stopped the long lecture he was giving to stare angrily at Ron. _  
_'Yes Mr Weasley.'

'I…well I was just wondering if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.' He said all in one breath. Snape stared. Harry gaped. Hermione went red.

* * *

_15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell._

'Mr Potter what spell did you use on the poor boy? Mr Malfoy is currently in the hospital wing, recovering. Madame Pomfrey would really love to know what happened.' Dumbledore asked Harry, who was sitting in his office.

'Liften Separatis Crotchum.'

'That's not even a spell.'

'Yeah…I read it in this book…'

'What book was that?'

'Erm…doesn't matter.'

* * *

_16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life._

'Look! They're really cool! It's what muggles do in their daily lives.' said Fred to the first year. They had made sure he was pure-blood first.

'Really?'

'Yeah!'

'Can I buy some?'

'Sure! That'll be three galleons then.'

'What are you doing?' asked Hermione, 'Give me those! I am a prefect Fred and George Weasley! I will…write to your mother again!'

* * *

_17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms"._

The Gryffindor table were listening to what Harry was saying. They all suddenly cracked up laughing.

'What are you doing?' asked Seamus, coming over to the table.

'He says you're after his Lucky Charms.' said Ron.

'What?! Just because I'm bloody Irish?'

* * *

_18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends"._

'Yeah! And then I said that he wa-' said Fred to his twin.

'Hi bookends!' Luna Lovegood said brightly.

'What?'

* * *

_19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends"._

'Who're you taking to the ball?' asked Hermione.

'We're taking the bookends.'

'What? Oh, that weird name Luna has for Fred and George. Wait, you can't take your brothers! I mean, of _course _I don't mind if you've suddenly turned gay and are also doing incest with your brothers, of course I don't mind.' She said quickly.

'What? Are you mad? I'm taking Padma Patil, and Harry's taking Parvati.'

'Oh. Right.' And Hermione left, feeling rather embarrassed.

* * *

_20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak._

'Hey Kenny! What's up?' asked Hermione as they walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts.

'What?' asked a bewildered looking professor Lupin, who was wearing an orange anorak. It was rather wet, as he had just been outside in the rain.

'You know…'

'Oh! South Park!'

'How the hell do you know that?'

'Oh, Sirius told me ages ago.'

'Who's Sirius?'

'Erm…no one!'

'Is he your boyfriend professor?'

'Ye-no!'

'Riiight…'

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Thanks to ****scubatrex,**** the anonymous 'You Know Who', and finally to ****Lottie1122****, for all reviewing the last chapter! You rock people!**

**Toodles!**

**Phoebe E. Lupin XX**

**p.s. Next chapter out soon, but I really should be practicing for my saxophone exam, because it's kind of tomorrow…oops! 3**__


	3. 21 to 30, Desperate Houswives and Fleas

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER!!!!**

**I was on Lottie's profile, and I looked through her favourite stories, and saw this. And I cannot begin to say how much I LOVE YOU GUYS! I had 17 reviews when I checked! I will check out everybody's stories! Have cyber-chocolate from me! xx**

**Oh…and I forgot to mention pairings before…so here goes…**

**Harry/Draco, Ron/Hermione, Sirius/Remus, Dean/Seamus, Lily/James, maybe some Harry/Ginny (Only if 19 years later) and Albus/Scorpius. :)**

**  
________________________________________________________**

_21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine._

"I'm a were-thylacine Professor!" said Fred to his startled teacher, Remus Lupin.

"What's that?" he asked curiously, wondering if there was another creature like him…the 'were' part made it sound like that.

"Erm…it's a big monster that stabs people and eats their brains!"

Well, thought Remus, I'm not that vicious.

"Fred! Stop it!" shouted Hermione, "Professor, they don't exist…it's another Luna Lovegood creature. You know…made up?"

"Oh…right…"

* * *

_22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts._

"Luna! Luna! Here…I've got something for you!" shouted Harry, waving a piece of paper in front of Luna's face.

"Oh…thank-you Harry! You're very kind! Just like a friend!"

"I am your friend Luna."

"Oh. Are you? Thanks anyway. What's a UFO?"

__________________________________________________________________  
_

_23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class._

"Mr Malfoy? What is that?" asked Professor Trelawney, pointing to the object that Draco was holding.

"It's a Magic Eight Ball Professor, you ask it questions, and it gives you the answer."

"Ooh…let me see…is Professor Dumbledore really gay?" she asked.

_My sources say yes._

"Ooh…wait for it…."

"I've got one!" shouted Harry, "Is Malfoy gay?"

_It is certain._

Draco blushed, but regained his composure quickly.

"Hang on…does Potter want to shag someone in this room?"

_Yes – definitely._

This time it was Harry's turn to go beetroot red.

"Wait!" shouted Ron loudly, "Is it Malfoy? That he wants to-"

_Signs point to yes._

"Aaaaaaaagghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" shouted Draco, as he ran from the tower room, but promptly fell down the ladder.

"Noooooooooooo!" shouted Harry.

'Is he alright?' asked Hermione.

'Hopefully not,' said Ron.

* * *

_24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves._

"Wow this magic is different to ours!" said Hermione, flicking through the book in her hands.

Fred and George, crouched behind a stack of books, doubled up in silent laughter.

__________________________________________________________________  
_

_25. Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!"_

"Mr and Mr Weasley! What were you doing?" shouted Professor McGonagall.

"We wanted a house elf…and we thought we could get them to work for us…" said Fred.

"By making them remove their clothes and yell 'Pwned'? What does that even mean?"

"Never mind…" sighed George.

__________________________________________________________________  
26. I am not a sloth Animagus._

'Professor! I'm an Animagus too you know!' shouted Fred, as McGonagall turned back into herself.

'Oh really Mr Weasley?'

'Yes! And I can turn into a slog!'

'A what?'

'A hang on…maybe it's slag…nope…I remember…a sloth!'

'I can turn you into a slag if you want Fred,' said George, wand at the ready.

'Noooooo!'

__________________________________________________________________  
27. I am not a tribble Animagus._

'What can _you _turn into then Mr Weasley?' asked McGonagall, peering at George over her glasses. Fred was still hiding under the desk.

'Oh that's easy…I'm a tribble!'

'Yes…you're really small, soft, and gentle aren't you Mr Weasley?'

'I didn't know you'd watched _Star Trek _Professor…'

'You'd be astonished at how much television I do watch…oh…that reminds me, I must watch Desperate Housewives tonight…'

__________________________________________________________________  
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha._

'Come on then James, what animal _do _you want?'

'I want a snow leopard.'

'Apart from that,' sighed Harry.

'Reticulated python.'

'And that.'

'Tasmanian devil.'

'Do you even know where Tasmania is?'

'No.'

'Thought so…do you have any sensible suggestions?'

'Piranha.'

'James…come on. If you get an owl you'll be popular with the ladies!'

'How would you know? You were gay in school!'

'Touché.'

__________________________________________________________________  
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck._

'Look! I can float! I'm just like a duck!'

'You are not a duck Ron,' sighed Hermione.

'Yes I am…look…I have a beak!'

'No Ron…that's just your big nose.'

'That hurts, Mione.'

__________________________________________________________________  
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar._

'What did Harry get you then Remy?' asked Sirius, throwing himself down on the sofa.

'A flea collar.'

'A…what?'

'Read this,' said Remus, passing Sirius the note.

_Dear Moony, _it read.

_I thought you and Sirius could have fun with this! :) _

_Love Harry x_

'He's thirteen Padfoot!'

'Sooooo….he speaks the truth!'

'Sirius!'_  
_

* * *

**Well…there you go! My computer is not fixed, but I connected a different keyboard to it so I can type! Clever, eh?**

**I don't like this one as much as the others but never mind!**

**Thanks to all my lovely reviewers so far!**

**The anonymous 'You Know Who'**

**scubatrex**

**Lottie1122**

**hell-of-a-gal**

**Team O'Hagan**

**frostedxtoast**

**HSCswimmer**

**XxMzMaryJanexX**

**WeasleyFan93**

**Schermionie**

**LittleMissProngs**

**Lost 2 Love**

**Sage Kelsey**

**It's great to know so many of you enjoy my story!**

**Thanks! :)**

**Phoebe xxxxx**


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